How to waste your vacation

Internalized capitalism never stops

Everyone is assigned by their company a certain number of days a year to take a vacation. Everyone is also given a certain number of days to live. Make sure that you are spending them wisely, according to your company’s management policy and the principles of capitalism.

When you go on PTO, there are two ways to handle it professionally:

1. Create the impression that you are always working, even when on PTO. Promotions, raises, in-patient treatment centers, and divorces are down this road.

2. Tell everyone about your absence for months/weeks/days in advance, planning every single detail such that it feels like the sun will turn off for a few days, and the whole of society needs to be aware so that they don’t die.

In Option 1, working is like breathing. You wouldn’t stop breathing just because you are at the beach. Your self-worth does not regenerate fast enough to survive a full week with nothing to do. Your family might get upset at this, but try telling that to your bonus. You are working to support them, whatever their names are, and you paid for this trip you are actively ruining.

In Option 2, tell everyone where you will be so that they can decide, based on their own ethical rules, whether or not they are allowed to call you. If you tell everyone you are going to Disneyworld with your family, and some work emergency happens, they can then justify calling you by saying to themselves, “he is probably just waiting in line right now” or “I bet he wants a break from his stupid kids” or “I hate Goofy, Disneyworld, and myself ”. If you tell them nothing, then you will receive no call, and someone else who is also paid to work will figure it out. You can’t have that happen. The real purpose of this vacation is to prove that you are as important as the sun.

In either case, remember to think of work constantly while on PTO. The final level of micromanagement is to be able to do it from another country, so check in with your people often at weird times with incomplete information to tell them what to do next. Dial into every meeting as if the meeting’s purpose is to decide whether or not to launch missiles, and your input is singular.

All of these tips ensure that when you return, you won’t miss a single insignificant beat and will return with all the same crappy ideas and exhausted mindset you left with.