How to create a useless product roadmap

A roadmap is a power document, and you are a powerful person

A roadmap tells you where to go. It should not change.

You are the product manager, so your work is the most important work in the company. You are the smartest person in the virtual building, and your brilliance should shine from the roadmap.

You are an innovator, and only listen to your customers on Tuesdays, and with a skeptical ear. Henry Ford said that if he had asked his customers what they wanted they would have said “a faster horse” or “leave me alone”. You are just like Henry Ford, and your line-of-business software or intranet site is just as important as whatever it is he did. People will speak of your social media platform for cats one hundred years in the future, and the documentary about you will start with a discussion of this 90 day product roadmap.

People should not be able to easily see the roadmap, because it is as sacred as the innermost part of a temple. People that work only on one part of the product should not be able to see it because they are not worthy of it. Their thinking is too small. They think of things like revenue goals, and bonuses, and cost of living wage increases, and if there is toilet paper in the bathroom. You think of a world where wages are the toilet paper.

The document should be well formatted, and use a font that nobody without a nose ring has ever heard of. It should be distributed as a PDF, for while you might ask for feedback, you only accept compliments. This document is read-and-admire only.

The primary proof that you are a Product Manager, and not simply a Project Manager, is this roadmap. Don’t miss the chance to show them who you are.